Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

Manuals | Marriage | Maturity | Mean, and Misers | Meetings | Men | Minds | Mistakes | Moderation | Money | Moods | Moral and Moralists |

Besides the device, the box should contain:

• Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING";
• A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

You will need to supply: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
If anything is damaged or missing: you immediately should turn to your spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger Ring without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

Dave Barry

Father to daughter: "I think-he is getting serious. He asked me how much you earn!" R. Reynolds

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one-go ahead, get married. A. Gibbs

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying, it's separating from all the others. Helen Rowland

Marriage has teeth and teeth have toothache. Jamaican Proverb

Marriage is a mutual admiration society where one person is always on the right and the other one is the husband. W. Grant

Marriage is an alliance between a man who cannot sleep with the window open and a woman cannot sleep with the window shut.

Marriage is like a cafeteria-you take what looks good to you, and pay for it later.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire

...marriage license is a kind of hunting permit that limits your take to one dear. F.C. Francis

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. G.B. Shaw

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

The biggest mystery to a married man is what a bachelor does with his money. Alan King

Whenever I meet a man who would make a good husband, he is. Susan Oliver

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

Mean: someone who switches his windscreen wipers off whenever he goes under a bridge.

Misers are no fun to live with, but as ancestors they're great.

Meeting: an assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

Mitchell's law of committee: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

About the only way a woman can get domestic help nowadays is to marry it. Anna Herbert

A man is known by the company he thinks nobody knows he keeps.

Chivalry is the attitude of a man towards somebody else's wife.

Entravagance-what a man buys that is no use to his wife.

It isn't the number of men in your life that counts-it's the life in your men. Mae West

Men fall into three classes: the handsome, the intelligent, and the majority.

No man can sink so low that a woman or a dog won't love him.

One man in a thousand is a leader of men, the rest are followers of women. Harry Stanley

There are no dangerous women, only susceptible men.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. Mark Twain

Some minds are like concrete: all mixed up and permanently fixed. J. Arthur Vernon

The worst unemployment area is often between the ears.

I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. James Gordon Bennett

Plunderer's theme

(to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"):

Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation,
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations,
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.

As far as the money is concerned, most of us have very little to complain about.

By the time a man has money to burn, the fire has gone out.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty

I'm so underpaid, I'm the only man I know who can cash his cheque on the bus. Alan Sandquist

Money isn't everything - but it will buy everything it isn't.

"Money's not everything," as the American millionaire said to his son. "A man with nine million dollars can be just as happy as the man with ten million."

My wife says that you can't take your money with you, but at the rate she's spending it we'll be leaving early.

Many years ago in a period commonly known as next Friday Afternoon there lived a king who was very gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so sad thinking about how unhappy he had been on Monday an how completely mournful he would be on Wednesday... Walt Kelly

A story with a moral appended is like the bill of a mosquito. It bores you, and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience. O. Henry

Everything has got a moral if you can only find it. Lewis Carroll

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. William F. Buckley