Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

Language | Laws, General | Laws of Business | Laws of Science | Laws of Technology | Lies | Life, in General | Light speed | Limerick | Lord of the Rings | Love |

A PLAN FOR THE IMPROVEMENT OF ENGLISH SPELLING
For example, in year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and iear 4 might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai iear 15 or so, it wud fainali bi possibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x'-bai now just a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez-tu riplais 'ch', 'sh' and 'th', respektively. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iearz ov orxogrefkl riform, we wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
Mark Twain

Antonym: the opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of. B. Bacharach

I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres,
Which still grates on
Some people n'oeuvres.
Warren Knox

It's is not, it isn't ain't and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. Oxford University Press, Edpress News

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. H. Hoover

Arthur's laws of love:

1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Ballance's law of relativity: How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom you're on.

Barth's distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Beifeld's principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1) a date; 2) his wife; 3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Bombeck's rule of medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's law: You always find something in the last place you look.

Bradly's first law of problem solving: When confronted by a different problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the lone ranger have handled this?"

Bye's first law of model railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.

Chisolm's third law, corollary 1: If you explain it so clearly that no one can misunderstand it, somebody will.

Chisolm's third law, corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone else's approval, somebody won't like it.

Chisolm's third law, corollary 3: Procedures designed to implement the purpose won't quite work.

Crane's law: There ain't such a thing as a free lunch.

Crittendon's 14th application of Murphy's first law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Dingle's law: When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around instead of picking it up.

Drew's law of highway biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Etorre's observation: The other line moves faster.

Farnsdick's corollary to the fifth corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Gattuso's extension of Murphy's law: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.

Ginsberg's theorem:

1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.

Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Hellrung's law: If you wait, it will go away.

Shavelson's extension: ...having done it's damage.

Grelb's addition: If it was bad, it will be back.

Herblock's law: if it's good, they discontinue it.

Hertzberg's first law of wind walking: Never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

If you're early, it'll be canceled. If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait. If you're late, you will be too late.

Isaac Newton have the world the principle of gravity, Einstein the theory of relativity. And then there was Murphy...

Jacquin's postulate on democratic government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jenkinson's law: It won't work.

Jones' motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Katz's law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Laws of gardening:

1. Other people's tools work only in their gardens.
2. Fancy gizmos don't work.
3. If nobody uses it, there is a reason.
4. You get the most of what you need the least.

Lackland's laws:

1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Langsam laws:

• Everything depends.
• Nothing is always.
• Everything is sometimes.

Lewis law of travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.

Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Lord Falkland's rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.

Mark's dental chair discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Maryann's law: You can always find what you're not looking for.

Meskimen's law: There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

Miksch's law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.

Mr. Cole's axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant; the population is growing.

Murphy's discovery: Do you know presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? The say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right". Nine months later, you're in trouble.

Murphy's law: If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's first law: Nothing is as easy as it look.

Murphy's second law: Everything takes longer than you think.

Murphy's third law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.

Murphy's fourth law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy's fifth law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy's seventh law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's eighth law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy's law of thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.

Murphy's law is recursive: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

Newton's fourth law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.

Newton's little-known seventh law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Non-reciprocal laws of expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Ogen's law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch.

O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's laws: Murphy was an optimist.

Parker's law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly comes clean to the bone.

Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor.

Peter's law of substitution: Look after molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.

Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

Silverman's paradox: If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will.

Simon's law of destiny: Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Sweer's impossibility theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time.

The early bird catches less sleep.

The extended Murphy's law: If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

The point of no return law: The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train.

The Queue principle: The longer you wait in the line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

Two constant laws of Frisbee:

1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed 'car suck').
2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"

Weiler's law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

When in darkness or in doubt: Run in circles, scream and shout.

Zymurgy's first law of evolving system dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

Zymurgy's seventh exception to Murphy's laws: When it rains, it pours.

Boren's laws:

1. When in charge, ponder.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in doubt, mumble.

Hlade's law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man, he will find an easier way to do it.

Howe's law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. Marguerite Emmons

Kinkler's first law: Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's second law: All the easy problems have been solved.

Law of communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Main's law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government problem.

Malek's law: Every simple idea will be worded out in the most complicated way.

Matilda's law of sub-committee formation: If you leave the room, you're elected.

Mollison's bureaucracy hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented-it wasn't worth doing.

Newlan's truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Ozman's laws:

1. If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
3. People who go to the conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
4. 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

Parkinson's first law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Parkinson's second law: Expenditures rise to meet income.

Parkinson's fourth law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Parkinson's fifth law: If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Spencer's laws of data:

1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
4. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

The six steps in a project:

1. Unbounded enthusiasm
2. Total disillusionment
3. PANIC!!!
4. Frantic search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Promotion of the uninvolved.

Theory of selective supervision: The one time in the day that you lean back and relax, is the one time the boss walks through the office.

Winger's rule: If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become an expert.

Experiments should be reproducible: they should all fail in the same way.

Finagle's first law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's second law: Always keep a record of data... it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's fourth law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

First law of laboratory work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

Jones's first law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavour, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress-in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.

Hofstadter's law: The time and effort required to complete a project are always more than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Law of class scheduling: Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes.

Maier's law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Corollaries:

1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.

Murphy's law of research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Osborne's law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

Skip's lament: Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n + 1 unknowns.

The DREA law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.

Westheimer's time estimation rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and add 3, independent of the units of time.

After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will found on the bench.

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Anthony's law of force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's law of the workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool first strike your toes.

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

Baruch's observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Cheops' law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Don's axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

First law of repair: You can't fix it if it ain't broke.

First rule of intelligent tinkering: Save all the parts.

Interchangeable devices won't.

Jenkinson's law: It won't work.

Johnson's first law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

Law of probable dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Lowery's law:

1. If it jams-force it.
2. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Maintainer's motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

• Measure with a micrometer.
• Mark with chalk.
• Cut with an axe.

Muench's law: Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.

Naeser's law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

One-page principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5/11 inch paper cannot be understood. Mark Ardis

Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.

Sattinger's law: It works better if you plug it in.

Wolfgang's third law: It can't work.

Hell hath no fury like a habitual liar disbelieved when telling the truth.

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. Sean O'Casey

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. Lew Gol

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Don't take life too seriously because you'll never get out of it alive.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. Paul Beatty

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-it's one damn thing over and over. Edna St. Vincent Millay

Life is an everlasting struggle to keep money from coming in and teeth from coming out.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.

Life may have no meaning-or even worse, it may have a meaning, of which I disapprove.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break
And no one rob me till I awake.
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong?
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at?

Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. H. Allen Smith

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more. Norris Cool

The other planets may not be able to support life, but it isn't all that easy on this one either.

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning. Robert E. Wilson

The trouble with the sleep is the going to and the coming from. B. Clyde

They say that if you don't smoke, don't drink, and don't go out with women you live longer. Actually, it only seems longer. Mark Twain

Nothing is faster than light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes out.

One thing about the speed of light-it gets here far too early in the morning. James Sherman

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effex.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched East laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. May an hour the armies forged ahead, the war merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. The Harvard Lampoon"BORED OF THE RINGS"

... The letters are elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore:
This ring, no other is made by the Elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler or creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The power almighty rests in this lone ring,
The power, alrighty, for doing your own thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade,
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid).

Girl to date: "Gosh! It's just like Romeo and Juliet-my father hates you!" A.R. Cross

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H.L. Mencken

There is no love sincerer than the love of food. G.B. Shaw