Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

If | Idling | Illiteracy | Imagination | Immortality | Inclination | Inferiority | Insects | Insurance | Intelligence | Intuition |

If all else fails, give up. S. Frederick

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?

If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?

If I don't drive around the park
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such
I'll probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am
Because I do not give a damn.
Dorothy Parker

If I had any humility I would be perfect. Ted Turner

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. Mike Harding THE ARMCHAIR ANARCHIST'S ALMANAC

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

If you can survive death, you can probably survive everything.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.

If you try, you might. If you don't, you won't. Wilfred Pickles

If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. Jerome K. Jerome

The real problem of your leisure is how to keep other people from using it.

The time you enjoyed wasting is not a wasted time.

It is better to be able neither to read nor write than to be able to do nothing else. William Hazlitt

A bee's sting is only one of thirty-second of an inch long. The other five inches is imagination. Derek Marshall

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Jules de Gaultier

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz

If you put a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa you would have the time and the inclination.

An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it. Alan Reed

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

We hope that when the insects take over the world they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. Bill Vaughan

My insurance policy was like a bikini: minimum cover and maximum risk.

It is impossible to underrate human intelligence-beginning with one's own. Henry Adams

Intuition is what enables a woman to put two and two together and come up with an answer that suits her. B. Johns

Intuition is what makes a woman recognize a mistake when she makes it a second time.