Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

Games and gambling | Generalizations | Girls | Gluttons | God | Golf | Government | Goyim | Grammar |

A silly, childish game is one at which your wife can beat you.

A sheriff in America confiscated a group of slot machines on the basis of a law banning the use of steel traps for catching dumb animals. Ian White

I like your game but we have to change the rules.

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. Alexandre Dumas

A girl can't get anymore out of a sweater than she puts into it. Bob Hope

Economists are still trying to work out why the girl with the least principle draws the most interest. G. Black

Ever noticed that a girl with bad legs never sees a mouse? Ernest Miller

It is not true that men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses; it's the frame that counts. Bill Wilson

It isn't the cold girl who gets her fur coat. John Taylor

It is also possible that blondes prefer gentlemen. M. Van Doran

It must be discouraging to a sensible girl when she observes the way sensible men smile at silly girls. S. Jones

Disapproving grandmother: "In my day, if a girl didn't have anything to wear she stayed at home." John Conway

Many a man who marries a wisp of a girl is astonished at the will'o'the wisp.Thomas April

Men don't marry women on Ј15 a week any more-the girl must be making twice as that.Rona Greer

Some girls don't care for a man's company unless he owns it. John Barrow

We are constantly amazed at these young things with their fancy hairdos and skintight pants. And the girls are even worse. Wall Street Journal

When a girl has pretty teeth, she never fails to see the joke.

You can usually tell it if a girl has a gift. It shows on her face.

A glutton: A man who sends out for a copy of "Playboy" on his honeymoon. 600 Magazine

A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.

A priest asked: - What is fate, Master?
And He answered:
- It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
- It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
- It is that which has caused nations to build byways from city to city upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off hunger, thirst and weariness.
-And that is fate? - said the priest.
-Fate... I thought you said 'freight',- responded the Master.
- That's all right,- said the priest. - I wanted to know what freight was too.K. Albran

If God had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

If God had invented man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.

If God is perfect, why did he create discontinuous functions?

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.Woody Allen

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? Art Hoppe

I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.Winston Churchill

I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.

Jesus saves,
Moses invests,
But only Buddha pays dividends.

Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "Booga, booga!"

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70% discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when he's good, nobody can touch him.John Gardner

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. Stendhal

In Africa, the natives have the custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering blood-curdling yells. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. However, in Britain we have another name for it-golf. F.C. Francis

Sign on a golf course: "Members will please refrain from picking up lost golf balls until they have stopped rolling."

From an advertisement for psychologists: "Professional men and women today can choose the specific area of activity in which they wish to work in government service, where the scope for psychologists is probably greater than in any other single organization in the country".

Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one. Thomas Paine

If a president doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.

No man undertakes a trade he has not learned, even the meanest; yet every one thinks himself sufficiently qualified for the hardest of all trades-that of government. Socrates

The less government we have, the better - the fewer laws and the less confided power.

One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create Goyim?" The generally accepted answer is: "Somebody has to buy retail."Arthur Naiman

A money lender serves you in the present tense, lends you in the conditional mood, keeps you in the subjunctive, and ruins you in the future. Joseph Addison

I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America", or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II". Dave Barry

The all of things is an infinite conjugation of the verb 'to do'. Thomas Carlyle