Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

Family and family life | Fashions | Flattery | Friends | Fools | Freedom | Furniture | Future |

A husband is a lover with the nerve extracted. Helen Rowland

A man was suing his wife for divorce on the grounds that she was emotionally immature. "Why, Judge," he said, "do you know that she is so immature that she burst into the bathroom one day while I was in the tub and sank all my boats."

A yawn is nature's way of letting married men to open their mouths. Francis Benson

During a domestic row, a husband said: "No let's talk this matter over reasonably." Wife: "No! That way you always win."

Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself: and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. Sir James M. Barrie

From a house magazine report on the firm's annual sports day: "Mrs. Smith won the women's hammer throwing event by hurling the hammer 75 feet. Mr. Smith won the 100 yards sprint." S. Conway

He calls his wife Peninsula - a long neck looking out to see.

I find it very hard to support the government and a wife in one income.

If my husband ever put me on a pedestal, it will be so that I can reach the ceiling to paint it!

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. J. Carter

I have reached the most disappointing time of my life - my wife now trusts me. James Kayaks

"I never try to make Henry do anything he doesn't want to do... I just try to make the alternative as unpleasant as possible!" A. Baker

It's funny that a wife who can see right through you doesn't notice a missing button. Ch. Hipple

Kissing don't last: cookery do.

Kissing is a pleasant way of proving two heads are better than one.

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

My wife cooks for fun. For food we go out to a restaurant. T. Croper

Never question your wife's judgment. Look at who she married. Rona Greer

There is often a family tie between father and son, but the son is usually wearing it. Anna Herbert

The trouble with the family today is that everybody wears trousers. Don Fraser

Two young women were talking about their mothers-in-law. One was quite effusive in praise of hers. "She's an angel!" she said. The other was silent for a moment. Then she said, "You are lucky, mine is still with us."

What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out of the window.

Wife to husband: "One of the trouts you were fishing for last weekend phoned and left her number." James McLeod

Woman, watching football match in pouring rain, to husband: "This is probably just another one of my silly questions, but why don't we go home?" M. Coe

"Yes," said the wife, "my husband is a great help around the house. At the moment he is taking the baby's nap for him."

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. L. Hellman

Flattery won't hurt if you don't swallow it. L. Ron Hubbard

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend. Josh Billings

How come only your friend step on your new white sneakers?

Nothing ruins an old boys' reunion like the fellow who has managed to stay young-looking and get rich at the same time. M. Longhlin

Perhaps it is only coincidence but man's best friend can't talk. Jimmy Cannon

A fool and his money are frequently invited places.

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

Idiot box: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. Rich Hall

If you wish to avoid seeing a fool you must first break your looking-glass. François Rabelais GARGANTUA

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

There is at least one fool in every married couple.

It happens as with cages: the birds outside despair to get in, and those inside despair of getting out. Michel Montaigne ESSAYS

I've finally found out why my back has been giving me such trouble. Two weeks ago we got some of that ultra-modern furniture and I've just learned I've been sitting in my wastebasket. John E. Hogan

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket. O. Mason

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. Kehlog Albran

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. A. Einstein

It is the business of the future to be dangerous. Hawkwind

Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. Dean Acheson