Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

Dating | Death | Decency | Dictionaries | Diet, and food in general | Diplomat | Discretion | Diseases | Doctors | Drinks and drinking | Driving and drivers |

I'd love to go with you, but...

• ... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
• ...I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
• ...I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
• ...it's my parakeet's bowling tonight.
• ...my favorite commercial is on TV.
• ...the last time I went out, I never came back.
• ...the man on television told me to stay tuned.
• ...there are important world tissues that need worrying about.
• ...I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• ...I have to floss my cat.
• ...I have to stay home and see if I snore.
• ...I never go out on days that end in 'y'.
• ...I want to spend more time with my blender.
• ...I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• ...I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• ...I'm going door-to-door collecting for static cling.
• ...I'm having all my plants neutered.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

It is impossible to explain decency without being indecent. G.B. Shaw

Dictionaries are like watches: the worst is better than none, and the best cannot be expected to go quite true. Samuel Johnson

A diet is what helps a person gain weight more slowly.

Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter 'A', 'E' or 'U' is the proper time for chocolate. Sandra Boynton

Desperation is a man who shaves before weighing himself on the bathroom scales. Robert E. Dorsey

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. Clarence Darrow

I'm not really heavy-I'm just short for my weight. I should actually be about 8 feet 6 inches. Jackie Gleason

I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. My doctor advised me to give up those intimate little dinners for two-unless I have one other person eating with me. John Marshall

Never eat more than you can lift. Miss Piggy

Wouldn't it be nice if two weeks holiday seemed to last as long as two weeks on a diet? Earl Wilson

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. R. Frost

A diplomat is a man who says you have an open mind, instead of telling you that you have a hole in the head.

Discretion is raising one's eyebrows instead of the roof.

There was no influenza in my young days. We called a cold a cold. Enoch Arnold Bennett

The sad thing about ulcers is that you have them and still not be a success. William Henry

This long disease, my life. Alexander Pope

A sadist is a doctor who keeps his stethoscope in a refrigerator. Adam di Petto

Doctor giving prescription to a patient: "Let me know if this stuff works; I'm having the same trouble myself." J. Sherman

Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing. Voltaire

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Two expectant mothers seated in a bus, overheard discussing doctors in general, when one finally commented in a positive tone: "Well, at least in our case they can't say 'It's all in your mind."

A straight line is the shortest distance between two pints.

...At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.

J.B. White Barach's rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. Lazarus Long

I am not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I drink on two occasions only-with fish and without fish.

I drink to make other people interesting. George Jean Nathan

I have three reasons for not drinking overmuch: First, the sin of it, second, the shame, and third, the sickness. John Philpot Curran

I know a chap with a very serious drinking problem-he has no money for drinks. T. April

Intoxication: when you feel sophisticated and cannot pronounce it.

It is better to be a 'drunk' than an 'alcoholic'. A drunk doesn't have to attend all those damn meetings. Contr. by Arthur J. Lewis, MP

Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.

People may say what they like about the decay of Christianity: the religious system that produced green Chartreuse can never really die. Saki

She did not know her husband drank until she saw him sober. Robert Jansen

Small son to father: "Why should lemonade spoil me dinner and martinis give you an appetite?" F. Benson

A lot of fellows who drive as if they owned the road don't even own the car. Irish Digest

Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.

Automobile: a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Don't drive as though you have only one day to live... you could be right.

Don't drive with one arm round your girl-friend. Let her drive and then you can use two arms.

Even when there is no war, men still die with their boots on, but one boot is often on the accelerator.

If your wife wants to drive, don't stand in her way. E. Craig

It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you are going in the wrong direction. "It's not the work I enjoy," said the taxi driver, "it's the people I run into." Derek Holmes

My car is so small I have to pay my parking fines in the Juvenile Court. Derek Holmes

Pittsburgh Driver's Test (1):
Pedestrians are:

1. irrelevant;
2. Communists;
3. a nuisance;
4. difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is 1. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.

Pittsburgh Driver's Test (2):
The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. That means:

1. one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention;
2. the driver is signaling a right turn;
3. the driver is signaling a left turn;
4. the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is 4. Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.

Sign at street crossing: "Watch out for school children, especially if they are driving cars."

There is only one difference between learning to drive a car and learning to play golf. When you learn to play golf, you don't hit anything. J. Graham

Woman driver to companion, after parking car: "That's close enough... We can walk to the kerb."