Minor Dictionary
of Humorous Quotations

Babies are angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer.

There's a wonderful new baby food on the market. It's half orange and half garlic. It not only makes the baby healthier, but easier to find in the dark. John Batchelder

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

A bachelor is a man who never Mrs. anybody. T. Stone

A bachelor is a man who only has to make one breakfast before he goes to work. Anna Herbert

A bachelor is like a new detergent, works fast and leaves no ring. Terry Canterbury

When I am good I am very very good, but when I am bad I am better. Mae West

Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ...Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings and a group of wild swans flies across the moon;.. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund who is careful not to make any poultry jokes. Woody Allen

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. Robert Frost

Lady to bank teller: "I'd like to open a joint account with someone who has plenty of money." A. Courtney

A bargain - something you cannot possibly use at a price you cannot possibly resist. Campost

A person who buys a second-hand car soon discovers how hard it is to drive a bargain. C. Hardy

I don't know is I like bathing beauties - I've never bathed any. Tommy Cooper

I have just worked out why blondes have more fun. You can find them in the dark. Robert Orben

There is a difference between beauty and charm: A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine

I believe in omens - for instance, when I'm on an ocean liner and I see the Captain rowing away in a lifeboat, I worry. M. Norman

Of course I believe in luck! How otherwise do you explain the success of the people you detest? Walter Slezak

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything. Oscar Wilde

A best-seller is the gilded tomb of a mediocre talent. Logan Persall Smith

A book is a success when people who haven't read it pretend they have. J. McCarthey

One way to stop the runaway horse is to bet on him.

A big shot is a fellow who has his name printed on company letterheads because no one can read his signature. Patricia Moody

A classic is something that everybody want to have read, and nobody wants to read. Mark Twain

Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second God coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Mark Twain

From a book review: "It is not a book to be lightly thrown aside. It should be thrown with great force." Robert Green

I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. Woody Allen

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be tasted and digested. Francis Bacon

There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book, and the tired man who wants a book to read. G.K. Chesterton

Boy: a noise with dirt on it.

Of all the animals, the boy is most unmanageable. Plato

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young