Preface
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
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Advertising|
Advice |
Age |
Ambition |
Agriculture |
America and Americans |
Amnesia |
Anatomy|
Anger |
Antique |
Appetizers |
Appropriateness |
Argument |
Army |
Art and music |
Astronauts |
Audience |
Advertising
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
From an advertisement: "On our Villa Parties you get two English girls to clean and cook. Free wine."
Notice in a London furrier's: "A small deposit secures any fur until your husband gives in."
Notice in a Brighton hotel: "Our waiters are your good friends. Please do not insult them by tipping." A few feet away from the notice one of the waiters has placed a box marked "Insults".
Notice in a café window: "Don't stand outside and look miserable, come inside and be fed up."
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Philadelphia is not dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Salesman: "Madam? I'd like to show you a little item your neighbours said you couldn't afford." V.L. Guffey
Seen on a church notice board: "If you're tired of sin come in." Scrawled underneath: "If not, ring Bayswater 1238." Ted Ray
Sign in a barber's window: "We need your head to carry on your business."
Sign in a farm gate in Breconshire: "Beware of the bull. Survivors will be prosecuted."
Sign in a laundry window: "Don't kill your wife - let us do your dirty work!"
Sign in a laundry window: "We do not tear your clothes by machine - we do it carefully by hands." Fay Ceder
Sign in a travel bureau: "Go Away!" J. Schaus
Sign on a dust-cart: "Satisfaction guaranteed or twice your rubbish back." F. Taylor
Sign outside a dance hall at High Wykombe: "Good clean entertainment every night except Monday."
There's a new petrol that puts rabbit in your tank - it's for short hops. Dr. L. Binder
AdviceAgreeable advice is seldom useful advice. Massilon
Be alert!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
It isn't necessary to take a person's advice to make him feel good - all you have to do is ask it.
Never hit man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
AgeAdolescence: the stage between puberty and adultery.
Adult: one old enough to know better.
Age doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. Billie Burke
A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn't.
I have reached that age in life where it is harder to find temptation than it is to resist it. E.E. Calhoun
It isn't being a grandfather that makes you feel old - it's being married to a grandmother.
Middle age is that time in life when you can feel bad in the morning without having fun the night before. M. Hamilton
Middle age is when the narrow waist and the broad mind begin to change places. Patricia Moody
Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it you've got to start young.
Old age isn't so bad, when you consider the alternative.
The older I get the less I pine for things that I have to stand in line for. Richard Armour
There is only one thing wrong with the younger generation - a lot of us don't belong to it any more.
The trouble is you're only young once; after that you have to think up a good excuse for what you've done.
Youth is fleeting - particularly at the age of fifty. P. Daninds
AmbitionAmbition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Charlie McCarthy
AgricultureAccording to a recent leaflet about the nervousness of some animals at sudden noises, farmers should "...avoid calling their cows in a loud voice, always low."
America and AmericansAmerica may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. John O'Hara
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
Bagdikian's observation: Trying to be a first-class reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew passion" on a ukulele.
I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumbled them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay.
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot - it's more like the land he's trying to ignore.
In America, any boy may become a President and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. Adlai Stevenson
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
Mencken and Nathan's second law of the Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's ninth law of the Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's fifteenth law of the Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's sixteenth law of the Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it.
Paul's law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
AmnesiaAmnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
AnatomyIt is a difficult matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. Marcus Porcius Cato
The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you are born until the moment you stand up to make a speech. Dr. L. Binder
AngerWhen angry, count four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain
AntiqueThe trouble with the antiques is their modern price. C. Bell
AppetizersAppetizers are little things you keep eating until you lose your appetite. Good Housekeeping
AppropriatenessThe shoemaker makes a good shoe because he makes nothing else. Ralph Waldo Emerson
ArgumentArguments with furniture are rarely productive. Kehlog Albran
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. Harry S. Truman
ArmyIf God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
They serve a balanced diet in the Army: every bean weighs the same.
Three rules for new Army recruits:
1. If it moves, salute it.
2. If it doesn't move, pick it up.
3. If it's too big to pick up, paint
it.
Art and musicA fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
Every time I see the portrait of Whistler's mother I think of the lad who described her as "A nice old lady waiting for the repairman to bring back her TV set". E. Wilson
Every time we listen to the top fifty records we shudder to think what the bottom fifty must sound like. C. Street
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.
In the "Top 40", half the songs are sacred messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. Art Linkletter
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. Frank Zappa
What do you get if you play a country song backward? You get back your cows, you get back you house, you get back your wife. Heard from Dan Goetz
AstronautsI have a suspicion that when one astronaut is being encouraged to walk into space by another astronaut, the motivation is the .45 held by the other astronaut. Simon Day
AudienceI never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.
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